Enough is enough. Day 1 of my new life starts today. After stopping to get McDonald’s last night, for no apparent reason other than I could, I felt gross and deflated.
Today I had coffee and a light breakfast at home and packed my lunch for today. I’ve already thought of dinner and plan to stick to it.
Every day is gonna be different and I am hoping everyone enjoys going on this journey with me. It is never to late to push the reset button and try for better.
I’m just tired. So tired of fighting my own brain. Sometimes this depression is beyond words but I have to keep working. Sometimes I can’t think straight but I have to force myself to focus. It’s just unexplainable loneliness and feeling just inept.
Everyone says I’m strong and I can push through this, they’re wrong. I’m weak. I’m fragile. I’m brittle. I wish I could be tough, tough enough to fight this.
Waking up this morning after a good nights rest I still feel it. The sense of being alone even when surrounded by people I love, the feeling of failure, the feeling of worthlessness, that I am not enough for those around me. Nothing clears these thoughts from my brain. They distract and temporarily mask them, but they’re always there.
Where to start. I have been in a state of denial since 12/24/2020. I went in for my gynecological results since I was concerned about hair thinning, possible due to uncontrolled PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), and wasn’t prepared for it at all.
Now let me start by saying maybe to others what I am going to express in this post may not be a big deal, but this is how I FEEL. This is solely MY EXPERIENCE and how it is affecting ME SPECIFICALLY. (SORRY FOR THE SHOUTY CAPITALS).
I was told that my cystic growth was doing really well with my current birth control, still zero cysts thankfully and my tiny fibroid was still tiny. However, my PCOS is officially metabolic in nature. This means whether I want it to or not, it is affecting my blood levels. All the research I did told me this could be a possibility but last year we were hopeful it would not be the case.
Well life has different plans for me I guess. My insulin levels are way high (per-diabetic high), my cholesterol is high, my adrenal glands are not producing enough, and yada yada yada. I confirmed with my doctor that these issues are in fact stemming from the PCOS and not because of anything I am doing incorrectly.
I am now off on another journey in trying to control this all before I am diabetic and my cholesterol causes any heart concerns. Hopefully with the help of an endocrinologist everything can get under control and I can continue trying to stabilize.
Oh but that’s not all! The hardest part of it all is the kids. I was told that if I ever wanted to have children it will not be an easy road. PCOS makes it difficult and my gynecologist confirmed I would need hormonal assistance to conceive. Not just that, but if I did conceive the pregnancy would most likely be high risk depending on blood levels at that time. Now my husband and I decided we do not want to have children way before this but hearing this from my doctor made me take a step back. It’s a weird feeling knowing that if I ever changed my mind (not likely) I wouldn’t be able to conceive naturally or have a difficult pregnancy.
Needless to say it was a lot to take in and I haven’t really processed it all until this week. It all kind of started weighing a bit on my mind and mentally I am pretty shot. There will be a hefty amount of change this year in my lifestyle and self care routine that’s for sure. My mental health is still teetering a bit and I’m really trying to not succumb to my depression.
I wish I could say 2020 is behind me and onward to better things, but I can’t guarantee 2021 will be better. I will try and make it better though, overall I can’t afford NOT to try.
This weeks been long and has dragged. We’re not even to Friday yet and I’m dead.sube it’s because Christmas is next week and I only work Monday and Tuesday?
I’m excited for the holidays and just ready to move into 2021 and be done with 2020. My brain needs a break and my back hurts.
Here’s to hopefully a good Thursday!
I have a doctors appointment this morning, blech. Then a bunch of school stuff to do and home stuff to catch up on.
Let me tell you a short story of what happened yesterday. My Friday at work was great, no issues and a very smooth day thankfully. Got home, still feeling good. Then as I was talking with my cousins about hair stuff I told them I don’t feel pretty.
Where that thought came from I’m not sure. I feel like it had been in the back of my mind all week but I never voiced it. When my husband got home I told him the same thing and proceeded to cry my eyes out.
Obviously everyone reassured me and told me that I indeed was pretty, but nevertheless I don’t feel like I am. It goes beyond my weight issues, I just don’t think I am pretty. And it is wrecking me. I’m not sure what to make of this new found reflection, or what exactly brought this on, but I hope I get through it.
I just want to feel pretty.
Angie's Atrium 