Enough is enough. Day 1 of my new life starts today. After stopping to get McDonald’s last night, for no apparent reason other than I could, I felt gross and deflated.
Today I had coffee and a light breakfast at home and packed my lunch for today. I’ve already thought of dinner and plan to stick to it.
Every day is gonna be different and I am hoping everyone enjoys going on this journey with me. It is never to late to push the reset button and try for better.
Where to start. I have been in a state of denial since 12/24/2020. I went in for my gynecological results since I was concerned about hair thinning, possible due to uncontrolled PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), and wasn’t prepared for it at all.
Now let me start by saying maybe to others what I am going to express in this post may not be a big deal, but this is how I FEEL. This is solely MY EXPERIENCE and how it is affecting ME SPECIFICALLY. (SORRY FOR THE SHOUTY CAPITALS).
I was told that my cystic growth was doing really well with my current birth control, still zero cysts thankfully and my tiny fibroid was still tiny. However, my PCOS is officially metabolic in nature. This means whether I want it to or not, it is affecting my blood levels. All the research I did told me this could be a possibility but last year we were hopeful it would not be the case.
Well life has different plans for me I guess. My insulin levels are way high (per-diabetic high), my cholesterol is high, my adrenal glands are not producing enough, and yada yada yada. I confirmed with my doctor that these issues are in fact stemming from the PCOS and not because of anything I am doing incorrectly.
I am now off on another journey in trying to control this all before I am diabetic and my cholesterol causes any heart concerns. Hopefully with the help of an endocrinologist everything can get under control and I can continue trying to stabilize.
Oh but that’s not all! The hardest part of it all is the kids. I was told that if I ever wanted to have children it will not be an easy road. PCOS makes it difficult and my gynecologist confirmed I would need hormonal assistance to conceive. Not just that, but if I did conceive the pregnancy would most likely be high risk depending on blood levels at that time. Now my husband and I decided we do not want to have children way before this but hearing this from my doctor made me take a step back. It’s a weird feeling knowing that if I ever changed my mind (not likely) I wouldn’t be able to conceive naturally or have a difficult pregnancy.
Needless to say it was a lot to take in and I haven’t really processed it all until this week. It all kind of started weighing a bit on my mind and mentally I am pretty shot. There will be a hefty amount of change this year in my lifestyle and self care routine that’s for sure. My mental health is still teetering a bit and I’m really trying to not succumb to my depression.
I wish I could say 2020 is behind me and onward to better things, but I can’t guarantee 2021 will be better. I will try and make it better though, overall I can’t afford NOT to try.
I find myself mentally going over all the bills, the tasks, the work, the weight loss, the everything over and over again in my head. I feel like there is so much to do for me to get my life on track, but it exhausts me just thinking about it.
Why is it so difficult to stick to something? Why is it so hard to move forward when I want to so badly? Why do I sabotage myself? I know I know, a lot of questions that many might claim to have the answer to. At the end of the day it all boils down to ME.
I have always had an issue with self love, self care, and laziness. It is not an easy thing to just wake up and be different. My mental strength isn’t all that strong and my will power is low.
Needless to say it makes starting AND FINISHING something difficult for me. It always comes back to the same thing, change my habits. I wish I could just do that. I wish I could just flip a switch and make things better. I wish I could be my own cheerleader and accomplish what I want with my own motivation.
My blogging has been a very unique and eye opening experience. I started blogging to help me with my generalized anxiety and severed depression (clinically diagnosed but not treated at that time).
It was a great way to channel my feelings and thoughts with zero judgement from family and friends and 100% a safe space. It is still very much both of those things thankfully.
Here comes the candid part. I felt since I started treating my depression with medication and I have been doing well on the medication I no longer really needed to talk and express anything. I’m not sure if others feel this way after starting treatment or if this was unique to me.
Boy was I wrong. Not that my depression worsened again, or the meds stopped working, or anything like that. I just found without blogging my obsessive thoughts were just sitting there. Though I no longer felt the negative from those thoughts I still had them in a way. They were still keeping me up and I was still finding myself unable to stop from overthinking.
Needless to say I’ve come to realize that yes medication is helpful, but it is not everything. Mental health is so much more than just take a pill and move on. Just like yin and yang there is a balance, the medication gets me to a point where I can function and not have panic attacks but I still need the therapeutic release of my inner thoughts.
I’m glad I am back to writing. I’m glad I figured this out. I’m oh so glad to have this platform.
Not a whole lot of weight gain was had thankfully, but with my diagnosis every pound is no bueno.
As of yesterday I restarted eating the correct foods and am staying away from the “bad stuff”.
I’ve noticed that my brain and way of thinking is definitely black and white, either I’m all in or all out. That’s why i fell off the wagon. I started slowing myself to have chest snacks or a day where I can have soda and it spiraled.
Here’s to getting back on track!!
Angie's Atrium 